There Is Still a Light Within Me

I cannot forget the hope that fell apart that day, nor the dreams that were shattered.

The days passed normally. I thought this was what life was: going to school every day, studying, and taking one step at a time toward our dreams, without any worries.

But no, life was never like the dreams we had woven.

There is a great distance between imagination, dreams, and reality.

Several years ago, when schools were closed, the child within me broke. That cheerful and energetic girl no longer woke up carrying the heavy burden of memories and emotional wounds.

I remember clearly the hope that took shape in the midst of despair.

I remember a girl who waited every day, hoping to hear news that, even to this day, has never arrived.

I remember it as though it were only yesterday.

Even before that, I had endured many emotional hardships. I had gone through illnesses, each of which had left me exhausted, and this too was unbearable.

Several months passed. One of those days, I was told: “The schools will reopen on Saturday.” With excitement and joy, I arranged all my books according to our previous timetable and eagerly waited for Saturday. But it was not true; that news was only words, a lie.

They said: “They will reopen next year under different conditions.” And exactly five years passed, and they still have not reopened.

I put my books back inside the cupboard in my room and cried so much that I began sobbing uncontrollably. I could barely breathe, and the world seemed to have become dark for me.

This experience is like a painful and deep wound that, no matter how much time passes, leaves a scar behind. Wounds heal, but their scars never completely disappear. It was as though those days were a dagger that sank deeper into me every day, leaving me deeply wounded.

After everything that happened, I became withdrawn; a lonely girl, distant from society. I went outside less, spoke less, and no longer laughed. I thought everyone was looking at me and feeling sorry for me.

My heart was full of words, full of things I wanted to say, full of feelings I was unable to express. I had become helpless. In the face of everything that had happened, I felt powerless over my own life. Everything seemed to be falling apart: myself, my inner world, my feelings, my dreams. It felt as though my entire life was coming to an end.

I felt suffocated. I had been incredibly patient, but my patience had run out. I had fallen into a deep darkness, into a dungeon with no light. I was no longer sure what I wanted or what I was searching for.

I felt that life was like a hell that burned me more with each passing day.

No one asked me how I felt or how I was doing.

One of those nights, when the moon was shining in the sky and the stars were visible, a spark lit up inside me and made me want to dream, to imagine, and to try new paths. I began sewing. Although I had no particular interest in it, that beginning led to many other beginnings.

I expressed my words through writing. I portrayed my feelings in my paintings and began learning the language I loved. Gradually, I joined online classes and continued pursuing my dreams from where they had been left behind.

I wrote novels, composed poetry, created works of art, read books, learned to value myself, built a place for myself in society, and experienced a feeling I had never experienced before.

Whenever my managers, teachers, and friends called me “the writer,” “the artist,” or “the girl of books,” I would become incredibly happy; it was as if my wings had taken flight and I had become a free bird soaring through the sky.

The more they encouraged me, the happier I became.

My sketchbook, my books, and my pen were my entire world.

I had found a way and saved myself from a world that had hurt me, because I had to find relief for my pain.

I had to wipe away the tears that relentlessly filled my eyes, all by myself.

Today, I am somewhere I once thought would remain nothing more than a regret.

I am still searching for new paths. I am still fighting, and I still dream.

And in the end, I want to say that when a person truly wants something from the bottom of their heart, no one and no circumstances can stand in their way.